聖誕節又要到了,不知道大家準備怎麼過?不過我們沒有雪霽可以瞧、沒有臘梅可以聞、也沒有驢兒可以騎(家裡有養的走開),只能買串鈴兒自己敲頭響叮噹,但重點是根本沒有假可以放,好歹前幾年的聖誕夜都有碰上了禮拜五六日,過節氣氛還算有那麼點棉薄,而今年的聖誕夜是禮拜一,禮拜一ㄟ!!!! 聖誕老公公說不定自己的Monday Blue都還沒有消滅,哪有什麼閒情逸致來散播歡樂散播愛!!! (城市少女上場) 。

至於我,可憐的我,聖誕夜那晚還要上課!!!!! (撕爛課本、頭撞黑板) 有什麼事是比聖誕夜還要上課更慘的!!!!??? 是的,那就是跨年夜還要上課的人,好險我沒有,謝謝大家的關心。另外還有一件人倫悲劇順便分享一下,某位不願具名的鄉民來信說由於他之前一時喪心病狂,大手筆訂了兩張阿妹聖誕夜的加場演唱會4500元門票兩張,然後至今依然找不到人陪他去,畢竟會去的人也早就買好票了,在躊躇中的是絕對不會願意花4500元去聽,而本來就不想去的一定是回他說「你請我去看我就去」,至於結果當然就是被他封鎖MSN,沒什麼好說的!!!!! 什麼?有位聽眾callin進來問說為啥我不陪他去看,你是瞎子嗎你!!!!!!!!!?????? 我剛剛不是說我聖‧誕‧夜‧要‧上‧課!!!!!! 真不知道你以前老師是怎麼讓你畢業的!!!!!! (掛電話)

暴躁的聖誕夜前夕收到一封王大腸寄來的轉寄信,可能有人很早之前就已經收過了,不過沒關係,賤東西就是要任何時刻品嚐都滋味無窮的,這是某家公司的人力資源部主管珮蒂小姐寄給全公司員工的聖誕派對通知信函,先不管這封信是不是捏造的,珮蒂小姐在這幾封信的心情轉折真的是很頗耐人尋味的,我很欣賞珮蒂她這種敢愛敢恨的個性,非常適合去拍三立鄉土劇,由於信件原文都是英文,為免又被抗議群眾指責,我特別趁隙翻了一下中文,不過草草翻譯可能還是無法完全呈現珮蒂的原汁原味,所以有耐心看完英文的請享用原文。

王大腸表示本信件串的倒數第二封(也就是闡述有機蕃茄的那封)非常神似我的語氣,敝人覺得深感榮幸,能跟我的新偶像珮蒂小姐系出同門也算是美事一樁。各信件原文與翻譯詳列如後:




 

 

CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT

 

【第一封】

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director  人力資源部主管 珮蒂

TO: All Employees  給所有員工

RE: Christmas Party  關於聖誕派對

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

很高興來通知各位,公司的聖誕派對將於1223日中午在「碳烤之家」的私人包廂舉辦。現場將有售酒吧台和各式飲料!我們還準備了一個小型樂隊為各位演奏傳統耶誕歌非常歡迎大夥兒盡情歡唱。

 

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

如果咱們的大老闆以聖誕老人裝扮出現,可別受驚唷!

 

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

至於聖誕樹點燈儀式將在下午1點開始。員工交換禮物的活動也可順便在此時進行,不過,各位準備的禮物請不要超過10元美金,免得有窮人家會負擔不起。本項活動可是員工限定的喔!

 

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

咱們的大老闆也會在那時為各位獻上一段佳節賀詞!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

祝各位以及各位的家人聖誕快樂。

 

Patty

珮蒂

 

 

 

【第二封】

********************* ******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director  人力資源部主管 珮蒂

TO: All Employees  給所有員工

DATE: October 02

RE: Holiday Party  關於佳節派對

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

關於我昨天的通知可絕不是在排擠我們的猶太教員工。我們當然認同「修殿節」也是一個重要的節日,正如同聖誕節一般,不過不好意思今年則不然。然而,乾脆我們從現在起改稱它叫咱們的「佳節派對」。

 

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

同理也適用於其他那些不是基督徒或是仍然在慶祝「和解日」的員工們。

 

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

這麼一來,當天將不會有聖誕樹。 也不會有人唱耶誕歌。 我們將演奏其他類型的音樂。各位現在滿意了吧?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

祝各位以及各位的家人佳節愉快。

 

Patty

珮蒂

 

 

 

【第三封】

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director  人力資源部主管 珮蒂

TO: All Employees  給所有員工

RE: Holiday Party  關於佳節派對

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

另外某位「匿名戒酒會」成員建議設置禁酒桌的請求而您卻沒有留下您的大名。 我個人是很願意接受這個提議啦,但是如果我在桌上擺了個「匿名戒酒會專屬」的牌子;你就不會再是匿名的!!!!! 請問是要我怎麼搞?誰來救救我?

 

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

還有請忘了交換禮物這回事吧,不准再交換禮物了,因為工會會員認為10元美金的禮物太昂貴,而且咱們的高層認為10元美金太小家子氣。所以全都不准交換禮物了!!!

 

Patty

珮蒂

 

 

 

【第四封】

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees  給所有員工

RE: Holiday Party  關於佳節派對

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

咱們可真是個多元化的團體啊咱們!我還真不知道1220日開始是回教的齋戒月啊,所以禁止在白天飲食。

 

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

這可是咱們的派對啊!說真的,我們可以體會在這時候舉辦午餐怎能枉顧咱們回教員工的信仰呢。不如我請「碳烤之家」在派對結束前才把餐點端給你們,或者乾脆提供提袋給你們全部打包回家去吧。這樣總可以了嗎?

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

同時,我已安排了減肥互助會成員坐在離甜點自助吧最遠的位子,而孕婦則是坐離廁所最近的位子。

 

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

男同性戀者可以坐在一起。 女同性戀者不用跟男同性戀者坐,任何一個族群都有他們自己的桌子。 是的,男同性戀的桌上將會有插花擺飾。

 

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

至於那些在問是否可以變裝的人,在這邊統一回答你們,本派對禁止女扮男裝、男扮女裝!!!!!!

 

We will have booster seats for short people.

我們也準備了升降椅給哈比族人們。

 

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

另外也有低脂食物提供給節食的朋友們。

 

We cannot control the salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

不過我們不可能掌控食物的鹹度,所以在此建議那些高血壓患者請先自行試吃。

 

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

我們還備有新鮮水果給糖尿病患者當點心,畢竟餐廳並不可能供應「沒有糖」的點心。 不好意思!!!!!!

 

Did I miss anything?!?!?

不知道我還有漏了什麼嗎!!!!??!!!!!

 

Patty

珮蒂

 

 

 

【第五封】

************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director  人力資源部主管 珮蒂

TO: All F****** Employees  給他X的所有員工

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party   關於他X的佳節派對

 

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!!

吃素的怪咖們!!!! 老娘真是受夠你們了!!!!!!!

 

We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the tab le furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

老娘才不鳥你們爽不爽,反正派對還是要在「碳烤之家」舉辦!!!! 所以你們最好乖乖閉嘴找個離各位所謂的「屠宰碳烤區」最遠的位子坐,會有他X的沙拉吧餵飽你們,是的,還包括了有機蕃茄。不過你知道嗎?蕃茄他也是有感覺的!!!!! 當你一刀劈開他們的時候,他們也是會驚聲尖叫的!!!!! 我真的聽過他們尖叫!!!! 其實我現在就聽到他們正在尖叫!!!!!! 祝各位都有個臭酸的佳節!!!! 最好是醉酒駕駛然後一頭撞死!!!!!!

 

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

來自地獄的賤女人上!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

【第六封】

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director  代理人力資源部主管 瓊安

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party  關於珮蒂與佳節派對

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

 

本人在此謹代表各位向珮蒂致意並祝她早日康復,我也會持續將各位的關愛卡片轉交給她。 同時,本公司管理單位也決定取消本次的佳節派對,改放大家23日下午支薪的半天假。祝各位佳節愉快!

 

Joan

瓊安





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